


After The Rain

by hesonlytiny



Category: Jrock, MY FIRST STORY (Band), ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Angst, First True Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No explicit smut, Sibling Incest, drama at the end, no real happy ending sorry, omg where should I start, well thats a first coming from me, ya I think thats it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 12:15:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30038559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesonlytiny/pseuds/hesonlytiny
Summary: When Hiroki finds out about his biological parents on his 18th birthday, he is startled to realise that they are well known. Nothing compared to his new big brother, however, who is the vocalist of a successful rockband and they’re getting on like a house on fire …
Relationships: Morita Takahiro/Moriuchi Hiroki
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	After The Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know, there's still two other fanfics I need to update lmao. And I totally will, promised! My head just said no to smut hahaha. That's why there's no smut here. I also tried a somewhat different writing style and experimented a bit just to see how I'd like it. 
> 
> Pls scream if you want to read more MasaHiro or MasaTaka next lol. 
> 
> Have fun <3
> 
> BIG DISCLAIMER: I do not wish to harm any of those guys and I do not think that this fanfic represents real life, it's mere fiction, but I know that it's a sensitive topic for some people. So please, if you're not into this (or can't stomach it for whatever reason, all are valid), I suggest not to read it.

Hiroki stared and stared at the letter that he was holding in his trembling hands, but the words on that piece of paper wouldn’t budge even an inch.

 **Moriuchi Kazuhiro** and **Masako** , it said. In bold letters. Right in the middle. That’s how his biological parents were called.

_Wait, weren’t that–_

He’d requested to get to know his real parents on his 18th birthday and with his racing heart up to his throat, he had filled in all the forms as thoroughly as he could have managed. He honestly didn’t want to fuck up on this. He’d been so anxious about this whole thing, of finally knowing where he belonged, that he’d had slept through a multitude of nightmares before the letter had finally arrived. There wasn’t any contact information just yet, just the names. He would have to make contact through the agency first. But that was worth it. So worth it.

But when he realised that he’d heard these names before, it slowly dawned on him what he was getting himself into.

When they first met up, he’d been tearing his hair out about why they could have possibly wanted to put him up for adoption – when they’d both had good upbringings, were successful in their careers and already had a son, too. It didn’t make sense, but he also didn’t want to ask. Not just yet, anyway. He was just insanely grateful that they’d granted him the option of trying to find them later in life.

And he was oh-so nervous and antsy and anxious when the first meeting was about to happen, he thought that he’d have to faint right then and there in front of that crammed room’s door in this uninvitingly looking building. But when they first greeted each other with a shy but respectful bow, he was okay.

What he did not quite expect, however, was the instant connection that he’d felt when he met his big brother for the very first time.

“Moriuchi Takahiro,” he breathed in a straightforward, confident voice as he attempted to shake his hand, which Hiro let slide and reciprocated stiffly because he figured that he’d spent a long while overseas. It was awkward at first, however, not knowing if he should call him ‘aniki’ or ‘ani’ or ‘onii-san’ or ‘Takahiro’ or any other kind of name; he only knew him as ‘Taka’ from the media. So he settled for using _keigo_ with him at first. He could only just refrain from answering ‘I know’ when he told him his name, too.

“They have never really kept it a secret from me, you know? They didn’t have an address, though, and so I just hoped that you would try to find us when you turned 18.”

They were sitting on some bench in some park because Takahiro had requested to talk to him alone for a bit, and their parents had agreed. There was an awkwardly sized gap between them at first and Hiroki wasn’t sure if he was allowed to move closer or move in any way at all, for that matter. He still felt a bit shaky at the thought that one of Japan’s most eligible bachelors was now his big brother. He couldn’t seem to look him in his eyes properly and whenever he’d raise his voice to say something, that voice that he’d only known from TV shows and lives he’d watched before, Hiroki would shudder. He was so attractive and there had been a time where he’d fancied him. Everyone had fancied him at some point in their lives, Hiro tried to console himself desperately. He couldn’t have known, anyway. And as long as Takahiro wasn’t into guys, there was no problem, was there?

“It’s still a bit hard to grasp,” he heard himself say with an unsure, little smile and left out that one question of ‘why?’ that clawed at his throat from the inside. He’d find out sooner or later, probably. There was still so much time. “And now I’m sitting here with you.”

“N’aw,” his brother suddenly purred, and Hiroki could only manage a short side-glance in time for Takahiro to skid closer, put an arm around him and side-hug him to his chest.

With wide eyes and a tomato-red face, he could only stare and try to contain his rapid breathing and heartbeat. For a second, the world stood still, went silent, and for a second he swore that he could hear his brother’s heartbeat in his ears, too. Loud and confident and fast. When they parted and he caught a glimpse of his bright smile, Hiro thought that his own heart must have tried to beat in sync with his brother’s. They weren’t sitting so far apart now anymore. Flustered, he looked away.

“I’m sure we’ll get along just fine, even if you haven’t expected anything like that … you know, with me being me and all.” He gave a quick, little laugh that rushed into Hiro’s ears and sparked a small flame that he knew he wouldn’t be able to extinguish this quickly ever again. He swallowed. “I’ve always wanted to have a little brother. I’m happy that we can spend some time together now and get to know the other.”

He legitimately looked excited. Hiroki still couldn’t believe it. He looked like how he was feeling – minus these weird firework-sensations that went off inside of him whenever he looked at him, maybe. _Fuck_.

They’d fallen into a comfortable trot together. Takahiro was busy most days, but they still managed to message or even call each other at night. It had slowly become his most favourite time of the day. Living at home had never been that pleasurable for him. He didn’t get along well with his adoptive parents, all this pent-up anger and passive-aggressiveness had been blowing up in the last couple of months, and so he’d decided, on the quiet, to move out. That, however, wasn’t one of the easiest things to do when you were just about to start going to university and would have to manage at least two part-time jobs in order to afford the tuition fee and a roof over your head.

He sighed defeatedly as he watched his silent smartphone in his hands. His brother hadn’t texted him throughout the day, and sometimes he just didn’t because he was just too busy. He knew that and he understood. But the last couple of days had been especially nerve wracking for Hiroki, a time where he was craving his brother’s voice or joking remarks and even his at times annoying advice particularly bad. It was just – he really didn’t want to bother him. Didn’t want to bother him with his childish problems and troublesome whining.

That was when his phone screen suddenly lit up with his brother’s name on it after all. Excitedly gasping for air, he grabbed it and pressed the green button.

_“Hey, have I woken you up?”_

Hiroki smiled softly when he heard his voice over the phone. Takahiro spoke quietly and carefully, as if he was fearing that he really could have disturbed him.

“I’m fine. I’ve been studying, anyway.”

_“Oh yeah, right. Your entrance exams are coming up! Are you nervous?”_

Hiroki caught himself playing with the hem of his shirt restlessly. His heart was acting up. Just not because of all these tests that he was In to take.

“I’ve been studying all day, every day. History isn’t my strong point, though. Need to work on that.”

_“You’ve still got some time, don’t worry. I know you’ll make it, you’re a smart kid.”_

Hiroki felt himself blush softly, or at least that’s how he felt like; with his face and ears heating up and all. He didn’t quite know what to say to that. He wasn’t used to being praised or being told that someone was proud of him. No wonder he was nervous and was nursing a rapid-paced heart.

“You know … I was thinking about moving out. I just can’t concentrate here, and I’d go insane staying here while also going to uni.”

_“Oh?”_

Hiroki bit his lips.

“You wouldn’t, by any chance, have any idea as to where I could find another part-time job? I hate to abuse your connections … but I’m afraid one job just won’t do.”

 _“Hiroki …”_ And his heart almost stood still when his brother paused to take a breath. _“I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do. I mean– having two jobs while studying. You should be allowed to be able to concentrate on something that important.”_

Hiroki sighed in frustration. He knew that his brother wasn’t trying to tick him off. He was right of course. But there were not many options left. He caught himself whispering the next words. “What am I supposed to do then? They won’t support me. But I can’t stay here.”

Another long pause at the end of the line. Hiroki could hear his brother ponder and sigh, which only achieved to make him more fidgety. He hadn’t seen him in _weeks_ and for some reason his mind was demanding to hear him laugh in person again.

_“That’s an … admittedly crazy thought, I know. But I was thinking … what if you moved in with me? – And before you say anything: I don’t know what to do with this big house all to myself. I’m never here most of the time, anyway. You’d have lots and lots of privacy and time to study … You wouldn’t bother me, you know?”_

“What … I–” Hiroki choked on his own saliva right then and there and succumbed to such a loud and aggressive coughing-fit that he feared his parents would show up and complain any minute. When he’d stopped, he could hear Takahiro laugh on the other end of the line. His heart skipped a beat.

_“Didn’t want to startle you like that.”_

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Hiroki croaked, flustered, but still didn’t know what to answer. “That’s such a … generous offer. I’m not sure I can take it, though.”

His mind was spiralling, and his heart was running a mile. He couldn’t even bring himself to picture himself living in the same house as his brother – that person that he’d been idolising from the side lines for years beforehand without knowing. He’d gotten a bit more like a normal, living, breathing human being to him since they’d started talking on the daily. Someone separate from their on-stage persona and online personality. But sometimes, when he looked at some random picture from an old photoshoot, he still couldn’t contain his beating heart and red-hot ears. These days, he’d forced himself to forget all these hours he’d spent picturing Takahiro kissing him whenever he’d feel brave enough to bear his own latent homosexual feelings while knowing full-well that his parents wouldn’t approve.

These days, it seemed like, he had other problems.

 _“I wouldn’t offer you if I wasn’t being honest!”_ His voice was now loud and demanding, but it never felt like he was pressuring him into something. _“I mean it. I miss having someone at home I can yell ‘I’m back’ to. It would do me some good, too.”_

His adoptive parents had gone on a rampage when he’d told them that he’d move out. With Takahiro being so reassuring and his own heart so demanding, he couldn’t even have waited until he’d have taken all these entrance exams. The prospect of both having his peace and quiet and hopefully having his new big brother around on most days, in person, just sealed the deal. Oh, how his heart had acted up the first time he’d stood in that driveway with all of his sparsely packed belongings. He’d heard that drumming in his ears and felt dizzy from all that blood rushing through his body. His mind clouded. He couldn’t think.

This here was happening, right?

Something deep within him told him that he wasn’t supposed to feel so giddy at the prospect of living here with his brother. For a short while, he tried to tell himself that it was only natural, though; he’d felt lonely and stressed out and he was getting along so well with his brother! But soon these little white lies just weren’t doing it anymore. His heart did a somersault whenever he’d laugh at his jokes or brush through his hair. Sometimes he’d caught him standing in the bathroom topless. Wasn’t his fault, though, Takahiro nurtured a habit of leaving the doors open at all times. Probably because he was used to living alone for so long. Couldn’t blame him. He would then say something very stupid and flee the scene with a crimson-red face.

That it was easier for him here to concentrate on his upcoming exams had been yet another lie he’d told himself. He was off his rockers on most days. He couldn’t even concentrate when his brother wasn’t at home – because then he’d guard his phone like a lunatic, all the while waiting for the next text messages or call.

Shit. He was really into him. And there was no way he could break out of it any time soon. Not if he’d continue living here with him, anyway.

“Fancy a trip to Yamagata?” Taka had attacked him with one afternoon without so much as a warning. His smile was huge, and Hiroki could feel his euphoria in his own bones. Puzzled, however, he turned around on his desk chair and pointed his pencil at his brother.

“I’m not sure how you came up with that idea … but– you know I’ve got to study.”

“I don’t mean _now_ , smartass,” his brother laughed freely and sat on his desk, right next to the book he’d been working with. With his crotch right in his face, he couldn’t even try and act as if he was still busy preparing. So he put his pencil down and turned towards him. “I mean after your exams. To celebrate. It’s in my off time, too. And there’s this _onsen_ village I haven’t yet been to.”

For a short second, the world around him was spinning and he desperately hoped he’d misheard him. Because he was definitely not going to be joining him on his _onsen_ adventures. Hiroki had unconsciously begun to fidget with the hem of his shirt nervously, which Takahiro had to have been misinterpreting as his inner struggle.

“Don’t worry,” he tried to reassure him as he ruffled through his thick dark brown hair. “You don’t have to concern yourself with the logistics. It’ll be a gift, okay?”

Hiroki felt himself opening and then immediately after shutting his mouth again. That was not quite … the issue here. But he couldn’t really tell him, could he?

In the end, he couldn’t refuse his brother’s generous offer. Taka had been so excited at the prospect of going on vacation with him that he honestly hadn’t known how to get his mind off this idea. He was definitely looking forward to spending some time alone with him, without work and without studying, but the thought of bathing with him still made him want to jump right out of the next fucking window.

So, the day had eventually come on which he’d written his last exam and that was also the day his brother had booked the _ryokan_ for. He had to admit it to himself in private: practically jumping into Taka’s car with all his things packed directly after he’d handed in his last test was _freeing_. And if it wasn’t freeing, he thought to himself, it felt more like a God forsaken honeymoon. He’d scolded himself for that particular thought, of course, he just couldn’t help but notice the adrenaline rush through his veins when he was finally alone with him again. After they’d both been so busy. After months and months of studying. It felt like the true reward that he deserved … minus the inevitable awkwardness when he was ultimately faced with his butt naked brother.

“God, what a beautiful room,” Hiroki croaked astonished when they’d arrived and were about to sort and put away their few belongings. They’d only stay for a couple of days, that’s why Hiroki hadn’t felt too bad accepting his brother’s offer, but looking at the place they were staying at … he had to have spent _hundreds_ , if not thousands. He really couldn’t tell, because there was no way he could ever afford anything like that on his own. There were multiple rooms (but still only one bedroom with two separate, queen-sized beds), two bathrooms and a big nature-inspired terrace with what seemed like a private _onsen_. Hiroki couldn’t wait to see what was on the menu for dinner.

“Only the best for my little brother,” Takahiro chimed in a sing-sang tone of voice and pressed him to his chest sideways with one arm, which made him all flustered and he didn’t know what to do, so he only tried to get out of his embrace.

“You shouldn’t have done that. A normal priced ryokan would have done the trick.” His ears were feeling hot and he just couldn’t bring himself to meet his eyes. Confused, he tried to search for a cupboard he could place all his stuff in. Busying himself.

“Relax, little one, this is my holiday, too. And I deserved this. And I have the means, you know? So, don’t you worry.”

He would never so much as _breathe_ it to anyone, but he enjoyed it so much more than he probably ought to when his brother used endearments like that on him. Words like ‘little brother’ or ‘little one’ made him go mad on the inside – but in just the right ways. He caught himself wanting to catch a glimpse of him when he spoke them out loud, see his lips twitch into this smile that had become so familiar over these last couple of months. He wanted to bicker right back, show him how much he enjoyed his pet names. But most times he was just too flustered to reply anything of importance, and so he kept his mouth shut.

“Thank you,” he just breathed in his general direction and got a blindingly brilliant smile in return.

When they’d first entered their private _onsen_ , he made sure that he was the first one to get ready and look away when his brother approached. He had to have looked like a startled deer in the process; all embarrassed and nervous and fidgety. But he didn’t care. Making Taka think that he was some immature brat with self-esteem issues was twenty times better than the chance of letting him know that he was enjoying the sight of him naked. He was just so, so, so glad about the fact that you couldn’t see anything really below the surface of the water. He wasn’t actually going to pop a boner, but now he didn’t even have to worry about the _if_.

Because his brother looked _gorgeous_. Even if he could only see his upper body that was visible above water. It was already dark outside and only the warm-toned light of the faintly glimmering lamps on the terrace illuminated his with water drops decorated skin. He was newly shaven and there was a fine hue of coral that had settled on his delicate features.

For a moment, time stood still. For a moment, no one of them said anything. Until they did.

“I’m happy you came with me after all,” Takahiro smiled warmly without opening his eyes or even trying to look at him. But Hiroki was glad that he didn’t need to act as though he was only feeling a normal amount of feelings for his own brother at this particular confession. “Holidays have always been so boring.”

Hiroki swallowed a lump in his throat. “Haven’t you ever had a girlfriend you could take along?”

When his brother then opened his eyes, his smile was almost apologetic, but he really couldn’t place how the other half of that smile made him feel like. “Not really. Life’s been busy.”

Hiroki nodded understandingly but secretly cherished this weak flame inside of him that breathed fire and life and relief into his veins after his brother’s statement. Although it was only a weak flame in this moment, he feared that it would need no time to digest all the air they’d exhale and soon it would go out of hand. He feared that a lot – now that he was looking at him, knowing full well that he'd failed at smothering these weird feelings for him when he’d still had the chance.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m no cause for charity,” Takahiro laughed, and Hiroki wondered if it looked a bit insincere, before he was suddenly splashed with water. He hadn’t even seen it coming. And so he surprisedly gasped for air after he’d wiped his wet hair out of his face. He just wasn’t really in the mood to return his attempts at bantering with him. “Don’t you have a girlfriend? They must be all over you.”

He wore a provoking smile on his lips then that Hiroki couldn’t begin to interpret. It made him feel a lot of things that he wasn’t going to voice. “I’m not as popular as you’d think.”

He also wasn’t going to tell him that he had only ever been interested in guys – and that there was currently no space in his heart for anyone other than his brother. He gulped.

“Well, you should be.” Taka was staring out into the dark night while saying this, not even trying to look him in the eyes, which made Hiroki only more nervous than he already was. He wasn’t even laughing, he wasn’t smiling. Hiro didn’t know what he should make of this confession. So he didn’t say anything for a while and stared into the water’s abyss.

“My parents would disagree …”

“You mean your adoptive parents?” Hiroki could feel himself nod as he tried to reciprocate Taka’s intense looks when he said it from across the _onsen_. Of course he’d meant his adoptive parents. They didn’t get along, he’d mentioned it before. And Taka’s skin looked so golden in this soft artificial light that he feared he could spill the beans just like that after all. He didn’t want _to talk_ , but he was sure that it would all show right on his face, anyway.

“My– _our_ parents are not that different, though, don’t get your hopes up.”

Hiroki hated himself a bit for the fact that he wanted to kiss that hurt little smile off his brother’s face so badly. It didn’t scare him, to hear that his real parents had flaws as well, it did only achieve to make him feel closer to his brother. They were going through this _together_ , somehow. They could compensate all this lost love with what they’d now had with each other, right?

Right.

One of these days, it had already become spring and the world was blooming in reds and pinks, Hiroki came home, only to find his brother in a heated argument with some strange guy that he didn’t know. He could hear them shouting at each other from where he’d arrived only seconds ago; still standing in the entryway. Warily, he shut the door and tried to listen. It didn’t seem as though it was anything he should be worried about, but it did make him curious.

When he’d finally decided to step inside fully and set aside his groceries, the guy his brother had been arguing with suddenly came rushing down the stairs, already clothed in his winter coat. Before he could actually leave the house, there was a brief moment in which he stared at Hiroki, confused and puzzled but still in anger, and so he let him pass just like that without another word. When he’d left, he exhaled the air that he’d held in.

“Sorry, Hiroki. I didn’t want you to see all this. I didn’t think you’d be home by now.”

His brother had come down the stairs by then, but Hiroki felt too startled to actually react to his curious apologies at all. It was his home and his business. He wasn’t entitled to know what was going on inside this house at all times. Sometimes, that little flame inside of him told him that he _ought_ to know, and he definitely knew that he wanted to, but he was still only a guest here. So he busied himself with putting away all these things he’d bought for them.

“I didn’t see anything, really,” he confessed, although his face might have betrayed him. “He was just loud, whoever he was.”

“That was …” and Takahiro paused here for a long time. Hiroki had almost looked up from what he was doing to search for his brother’s gaze, but then he didn’t. “My boyfriend.”

That was when Hiroki’s world, as he currently knew it, finally fell into pieces. He desperately hoped that he didn’t look it, but he knew that he must have seemed startled, the way he’d paused and just stared ahead. He couldn’t change it. His brother had confessed to him that he was _into guys_. Out of the blue. He hadn’t had expected it at all. If anything, he’d avoided this subject like the plague in those last couple of weeks. Reassuring himself that his brother was interested in women had been like an imaginary wall, something that held him and his emotions back, at bay. But now this wall came crashing down on him and he stood right in front of it, right in front of this huge wall that was crumbling and breaking and threatening to pull him into its nothingness.

He could only stare. Nothing more. There were no thoughts left in his head.

His brother was gay, too. And all his fears were suddenly reality.

“Does that shock you?”

“That you’re into guys?”

Hiroki now turned around to face him deliberately. It had taken him a huge amount of courage, however. He thought to have concealed his original feelings well and hoped they hadn’t played out on his face as much as he’d feared, but he couldn’t be 100% sure.

“I’m sorry if that puts you off … it was bound to come out eventually, though.”

Hiroki leaned against the kitchen counter; his arms crossed. His feelings were pulling at his features, urging him to sport a friendly smile, but his fast-pacing heart was pumping anxiety through his veins. This wasn’t the right time to let down his guard. He was so scared.

“I’m … not one to judge, if you know what I mean.” He wasn’t meeting his gaze; he was looking sideways down on the ground. But when he finally forced himself to look up in his brother’s eyes, he could swear that he was pleading with him to go easy on him. Taka was now fidgety himself; something that he’d never really been before. He was shifting his weight from one foot to the other, he had his arms crossed, too. But Hiro couldn’t for the life of him tell what his brother was thinking. “I think– people love who they love. There’s nothing more to it.”

A shaky breath could be heard coming out of Taka’s mouth. His whole posture relaxed. He really had to have been thinking highly of him, Hiroki could not explain it any other way. It seemed like his brother was valuing his opinion over that of any other. And seeing that Taka was slowly melting into his comforting glance, he tried a conjure up a soft smile onto his own lips, too.

“I knew we would understand each other. You’re my brother after all.”

That last bit threw him off balance for a moment until he’d regained his composure again. And then, out of all the things that could have happened after this nerve wrecking chaos, his brother initiated a short hug that made Hiroki dizzy in all the right ways. Taka was smelling freshly showered and his body heat felt comforting on his skin. Hiroki took a shaky breath before he tried to free himself from his brother’s embrace. He again couldn’t look him in his eyes anymore after that, he was so embarrassed by the way his ears flushed red after their hearts had been pressed together; heartbeats aligned.

“Why was he so angry, anyway?”

He asked so without any second thoughts, without even wanting a proper answer to that. He just had to ask anything in order to distract himself from his screaming head. He wasn’t even thinking straight anymore; totally satisfied with the outcome of his last confession that he’d turned around again to sort in the last items of his grocery haul. To make it seem like all this hadn’t affected him in the slightest. That was why it hit him so hard when his brother raised his voice softly to tell him about the incident. He hadn’t wanted an honest answer.

“He … can I be honest here with you, Hiroki?” Hiro nodded hesitantly, his gaze still pressed against the surface of the kitchen counter. He didn’t know what to do, but he also couldn’t just turn around. Then a sigh rolling off his brother’s tongue that clocked up his own throat. He gasped. “He wanted to have sex with me … but I rejected him because … well, it didn’t feel right with you being here and all.”

Hiroki had almost dropped the milk carton he’d tried to put away at Taka’s last confession. It came totally out of the blue for him. He’d been struggling to come to terms with his own feelings these last couple of weeks and then he learned that his brother was not only gay too, but also had a boyfriend and was having sex with him? Or well, he wasn’t – because of _him_. His thoughts were running a mile and he felt it in his fingertips that he was on the verge of losing his shit. He was only just able to hide his shaking hands as he finally turned around again.

“It’s your house, though. You know that? And I’m just a guest. And you know– I’m totally grateful for that. But you don’t have to cut back on anything just because I’m here, too. You know that … right?”

His brother’s eyes didn’t tell him anything that could lead to him understanding what Taka was feeling when he said those words. He was serious, though, even though the thought of it hurt a bit … that thought of his brother loving someone and having sex with someone … _else_. He really didn’t want to add this last word, it made all this more real; that he wasn’t the one his brother was in love and wanted to have sex with. But he couldn’t help it. Nervous, he bit his bottom lip and waited for Taka to say anything. But instead of that, he just rushed forward, totally out of the blue, and captured Hiro in a sort of side-hug again like he always did, arm around his shoulders. Hiroki held his breath.

“I just didn’t want to, okay? I was just not in the mood and you’re not at fault. Don’t worry,” he laughed wholeheartedly, maybe he even sounded a tad bit put on, Hiroki couldn’t quite put his finger on it, as he dragged him towards the kitchen door. But he’d put away his groceries already and as he was rummaging through his feelings, he found that he very much liked to be held so close by his brother, so he let it happen. “Let’s just watch a film together, okay? I think I’m in the mood _for that_ at least.”

In the end, they’d settled for some random classic Hiroki hadn’t yet seen. It was entertaining enough, but sitting so close to his brother was now harder than ever. Now that he was aware that he was into men as well. That he was fucking guys when he wasn’t looking. He couldn’t seem to concentrate on any other thing during this whole film. He just sat there, petrified, staring at the television without taking anything in at all. If he’d have to discuss the plot afterwards, he wouldn’t know what to do.

But every time his brother laughed or smirked or gasped, his mind was going crazy; ringing all the alarm clocks at once. He couldn’t feel his fingertips anymore, they’d all gone numb a long time ago. And he wasn’t imagining it – his brother _was_ skidding closer. By then, he’d had his arm swung around the backrest, and that meant around Hiroki’s shoulders, too. He’d had both his feet on the couch and his knees pointed towards him. When the protagonist said anything funny, his shoulders shook and he’d yet again, as if accidentally, skid closer.

Hiroki was holding his breath. He couldn’t move. His heart was running a mile and there was nothing he could do about it. His brother was coming closer and closer, his breath on his neck when he laughed and his lips almost touching his ears when he spoke. That much couldn’t really just have been a coincidence, no matter how he looked at it.

He’d never had a sibling before in his life, of course. He hadn’t had any experience with it. Were brothers allowed to act like that with one another, was that normal? He honestly couldn’t tell, which made him even more nervous and fidgety. Should he tame his heart? Was he overreacting? Or shouldn’t Takahiro hang around him so much that his heart would naturally act out. Because he was so close, and he was practically pressing himself against him and by then he was almost sure that he was messing with him. Maybe he wanted to figure out what he was really thinking about him being homosexual. Maybe he was triggering him on purpose. Maybe–

“I’ve always wanted to spend some time with you like this,” he heard his brother breathe against his ear. His heart almost stopped. He couldn’t for the life of him remember if he’d ever used such a tone in his voice to speak to him. His voice was hoarse, addicting, low, deep, scratchy. Hiroki wanted more of it, so desperately, and when he turned his head to search for his brother’s eyes, they were deep and black and foreign. Taka’s chest was pressing against his own, his thumb on one of his shoulders was brushing up and down. He could swear that he was huffing and was out of breath– there was no way he could have acted as though he wasn’t affected by Taka’s actions at all. “You feel good in my arms.”

That was when Hiroki finally lost his last braincell. It had been a kneejerk reaction, nothing more and nothing less, but suddenly he was straddling his brother. Mouth to mouth, they were kissing. Chest pressed against chest.

Hiroki inhaled a deep breath when he realised what was going on, but he couldn’t for the life of him break away. Taka’s lips were moving against his own, his eyes were closed, his hands were cupping the back of his neck – keeping him right there. Just when he’d exhaled all his surprise and melted into his touch, the magic of the moment was suddenly gone in an instant. The kiss was broken up. His brother’s eyes were huge and panicked when he looked into them. He held his breath.

“Oh fuck … no no no–”

His brother’s hands on his thighs were seemingly trying to push him farther away but of course he wasn’t succeeding. He didn’t want to push him away, Hiroki realised, Taka had probably only realised that he was actually just _supposed_ to. His brother was panting and through the fabric of their jeans, he could feel his erection press against him. Again, he held his breath. He didn’t know what was happening. But he wasn’t mad about it, either. His heart was beating so fast and he couldn’t wait to see what would be unfolding after this.

He knew that it was wrong, and he should have climbed off his lap and apologise. He knew that. But he heard his heart scream at him to stay right then and there. Even if it was wrong, it felt right, but maybe all this would never again happen, ever. So he stayed right where he was and not another second passed until his brother had joined their foreheads in a gentle gesture. Right where his fingers touched the nape of his neck, he let his fingers play with his soft baby hair. Hiroki tried to calm his breathing, but it wouldn’t work. He was just glad that his brother had ceased trying to push him off him. He didn’t know if he was imagining it, but he could swear that the look in his brother’s eyes had changed – was he _desperate_?

“Sorry, Hiro, let’s think about this a bit more sober.” He was slurring his words, as if he was really drunk, but Hiroki knew that that wasn’t the case at all. “Let’s think this over. Sleep on it. I’m not sure if this should even have happened.”

“And how could I sleep … after this?”

He didn’t know what else to say. He was just so blown away, totally unexpectedly. He’d been aware of his rising feelings and he’d been the one to make the first move, but he hadn’t expected to be confronted with such strong emotions afterwards. He wasn’t sure if he could ever see him as just ‘his brother’ when he’d always been enamoured with the person he represented on TV. Now that he’d spent time with him alone and he’d come to know him as such a lovely and loving person, he didn’t think that there would ever be a ‘going back’ – and he was scared.

“Hiro, please …” Their noses were so close, they were almost touching. His brother’s eyes were unusually overcast. They’d never been so close before, physically, but he just knew that their hearts were beating in unison. “We’re gonna talk about this tomorrow, okay? I think it’s best this way …”

They’d both parted, Hiroki noted, only begrudgingly so. It was awkward too, having to stand up with weak knees after you’d just been sitting on your brother’s lap, snogging him. Taka’s uncertain looks told him a lot, but he still wasn’t sure what he was actually thinking. Maybe he should feel bad or even ashamed? He’d brought them in this situation, after all. He’d started kissing him out of the blue when he was leaving aside all these little remarks and touches from his brother. He’d probably not been _trying_ to provoke all this; to provoke _him_. 

But him and his brashness, his hot-headedness. It had been bound to happen. He’d known that since he’d moved in. Fuck, there could have been a God damn countdown to all of this and he’d still have done it.

It was only 10pm when they’d tried to ‘go to sleep.’ Naturally, this went without saying, he just couldn’t for the life of him. All he was thinking about, all his thoughts revolved around, was this one kiss and touching him everywhere. He didn’t want to touch himself thinking about it, either. It felt icky and he just couldn’t place it. Realise _why_. It didn’t feel wrong per se to be so in love with him. To think about him romantically. To romanticise his view of him, their relationship. He knew that society was against it, that the idea of it was considered _wrong_. He knew he was supposed to feel icky and that was what he felt when he thought about his brother’s desperate look in his eyes.

What was he trying to get at when he told him to ‘sleep on it?’, though? Was he supposed to find a way out of this? Did he expect for him to come to the conclusion that it would be best if he moved out? Was he supposed to tell him that? ‘you were right, I think I’ll try and find something of my own. This here won’t work after all.’

Hiroki didn’t like the way his fingertips went numb when he thought about it. He’d never felt so anxious in his life before because he’d never been so happy in his life, either. Now that something was threatening this happy part of him, he was desperately trying to shut out these dark thoughts, but they just infested his mind and thoughts until all he could see were possible pessimistic outcomes and endings. He’d been throwing himself from side to side; turning around until he could finally find some unpeaceful, restless sleep.

In the first second that he was awoken, he knew that he’d just been having a nightmare of wandering the streets of some abandoned village, alone, but when his brother was suddenly barging into his room, the sense and faint taste of it was gone in an instant. He could only stare at the silhouette his brother’s body was painting in front of the hallway lights. He could see that his chest was heaving. And now he was sitting up in his bed, panicked. Had something happened?

But he was not saying anything at all for the moment, just coming closer until he’d reached the edge of his bed, sat down and pulled him into a fiery kiss that he hadn’t expected at all. His head was still dizzy from being pulled out of this confusing dream, but his body was already reacting to what was happening, and he could feel his ears growing hot with careful excitement. Weren’t they supposed to think this over?

“I couldn’t stand it anymore,” Taka breathed against his quivering lips, placing hectic, desperate kisses all over his face and neck, his hands everywhere. Hiroki just sat there, let it happen. “I couldn’t sleep at all. I couldn’t think of anything other than _this_. I’m just so in love, Hiroki.”

“In love?” he heard himself breathe, but his voice didn’t sound like he was used to.

“I just want you so much. I’ve been wanting this since the moment we’ve met. There was this instant connection, I–”

“I felt it, too,” he confessed and sat upright as best as he could to pull his brother closer; hands in his neck and on his back and on his shoulder and upper arm. Scratching, pulling.

“I’m sorry,” Taka exhaled shakily against his lips after a while and Hiroki tried desperately to catch all these little tremors and breaths. “I’m putting this on you. I know it’s wrong. But I can’t hold this in any longer, you’ve been making me crazy.”

“By just being around?”

“Just by your presence alone,” he confirmed and they were lost again in some long, deep kiss. When they parted, he knew that he’d probably be ready to commit any crime at all his brother would suggesting without batting an eyelid. “I didn’t want to have sex with my boyfriend because … I am honestly so in love _with you_. I couldn’t think of anyone other than you. I feel so … _guilty_.”

“I didn’t know you had one, either.”

“Tried to distract myself. Didn’t work.” The faint smile on his lips that Hiroki could only just make out in the darkness looked crooked and as if it could break in two every moment. He wasn’t sure if he was feeling lucky, happy – or if he wasn’t quite realising yet how far they were up shit’s creek already. There was a faint sense of knowing that they still had one chance. They could still choose to let it be, to lay it to rest, to sleep … and then take appropriate measures. Yes, maybe that meant moving out. But that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t see him anymore, right? That didn’t mean that they would have to cut all lines at once? Surely.

Under Taka’s anxious looks and carefully placed hands, he realised that he’d begun to shiver.

“Let’s forget about all that tonight,” he heard himself whisper against his lips that suddenly were, again, far too close. His hooded eyes closed of their own accord. His heart fluttered wildly in his chest when Taka closed the gap between them again. Then he was already shoving away the blanket that had separated them until just a second ago, climbing on top of him without a moment’s hesitation. He could only feel his brother’s mild reluctance in the way he let his unsure fingertips glide over his skin; finding a place to put them, to dig into his skin and to not let go. Hiroki wasn’t sure if he would even be able to find that spot he was looking for.

“Are you sure?”

But he was already straddling him, having pushed him down back onto the mattress, his hand still on his chest. And when he just thought that he needed to see the fire in his brother’s eyes, that desire that he could feel his whole body emit and spil over towards him, Taka turned on the little nightstand light. When he looked into his face them, illuminated by soft yellow tones, he knew that this would be _that_ time. Taka would be _the one_.

He’d never ever forget this.

His kisses that night were hungry but delicate, Hiroki couldn’t describe it any better. As if he was afraid that he could break, but he just couldn’t hold back his desire. His nails left red, deep marks on his body that Hiroki would be able to admire for another few days after. Every time he’d accidentally brush over them, he’d shudder and be reminded of the way Taka had writhed and whimpered underneath him when he’d been on top. He’d smile then to himself and remembered the way this special kind of grin had looked on his brother’s lips instead that night. The way he held his face when he came and smiled proudly and spent with words of ‘fuck, now I want to make you cum a second time. You just look so beautiful’ on his lips. He’d just felt to complete, something he’d thought he would never be able to feel, no matter how many times he tried to trigger his heart by sleeping with some random person. There’d just never been a connection. He couldn’t see the night sky and fall into its vastness when he looked into other people’s eyes. But he knew that months and months could pass without him noticing when he could only continue to lose himself in these eyes. He knew that he was too far gone, there was nothing that could save him anymore.

Only them. They were the only ones in this misery that could stop it. But they wouldn’t. They won’t. He knew it. It hurt, but it was oh-so blissful.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon in late summer when they were lying on the couch, not really trying to follow what was on TV. Just background noise, nothing more. Something that accompanied them while their breaths and little sighs painted their thoughts.

Hiro was laying on top of him, hands in his hair, mouth to mouth. He loved it this way. He did like having him on top of him, holding his arms in place and teasing him, too. But it was just so much more satisfying like this; being able to read his needy expressions on his face, this special kind of adoration that his brother nurtured for him. He knew he had his absolute loyalty and every time these beautiful moles underneath his eyes reminded him of the ones on his own cheek, he tried to kiss them away in the vain hopes of being able to let go of this cruel reminder that there was a reason they looked so alike.

But he didn’t want them gone. In all honesty, he didn’t. It was just a memento for both of them not to forget that they had this special connection. That there was something linking them that was stronger than momentary infatuation. It was fate. Blood. And for a moment, when he thought about it like this, he was at peace with this dangerous situation that could potentially cost them everything they were holding dear.

Hiroki had complained about these big windows that stretched through their whole living room, floor to ceiling, before. He felt uneasy being in that room, even if there was a huge backyard in front of it and a generously high hedge sheltering them from unwelcomed visitors. He still felt uneasy, and he wasn’t able to shake off this icky feeling. He’d come to terms with it, though, and had tried to mask it in the hopes that his brother knew what he was talking about; he’d been living here for a few years already, after all. There’d never been sketchy people trying to shadow and watch him secretly; never any people that could have tried to break into his home. He had an expensive security system too, after all, and large fences as well. There was no need to worry.

But on this particular lazy Sunday afternoon, there was no kind of security system that could have prevented the following happenings.

As he lay there on top of him; aroused and giddy and totally carefree, unprepared for what was about to come, his world began to shatter when a furious shout was to be heard outside. Alarmed, they both automatically turned their heads towards the source of the noise coming from outside where their parents stood – petrified by the sight of their sons kissing.

In an instant, they’d parted, and Hiroki almost fell right off the couch after his brother had accidentally pushed him away so firmly. His heart was beating so painfully fast in his chest that he was sure that it had realised the impact of this whole situation before he’d had the chance to fully grasp it. While their mother disappeared from view, wailing, their father couldn’t even seem to be able to control his facial expressions at all anymore.

His face was beet-red and swollen and was pulled into a hateful grimace. He couldn’t even hear his brother curse with all this blood rushing in his ears. His vision threatened to go black. He thought he’d nearly faint any second. But then he didn’t.

“Hiroki … Hiroki, go to the bathroom. Look yourself in, okay?” When their father rushed out of sight to reach their front door, he sloppily pressed a kiss onto his forehead that should probably have made him feel at least a bit at ease, but instead it only achieved to make him more nervous. He was scared shitless. He didn’t know what was happening and what those people were capable off. After all, he didn’t really know them. What was going to happen here? “I promise you; they won’t do anything. But just listen to me, okay? Lock yourself in. And don’t come out until I tell you to.”

He did it only begrudgingly. And this faint sense of guilt was tugging at his bones as if he’d just committed murder. He didn’t want to think about it all. _His only fault had been to succumb to his pathetic feelings after all_ , nothing more. And now they were in this mess that he could have prevented had he honestly tried.

_Fuck._

His heart was beating up to his throat when he’d reached the bathroom and locked up. It was a nasty kind of heartbeat, too. He didn’t want to compare it to the time he’d opened the letter with his parents’ names in it for the very first time, but it felt honestly very similar. Only that now there was a strangling sense of brutal force mixed in between the rhythm, too. As if his body was trying to off him just by those violent pumps of blood and the resulting adrenaline rush alone.

When he started to hear screams and shouts coming from the hallway, he felt sick to his stomach and ultimately decided to slide down the wall in his back and sit down on the ground; crouching, hugging his knees.

He couldn’t make out most words or what was happening at all for that matter, really, but his vivid imagination provided him with unwelcomed possible scenarios, anyway. What if he’d punch Taka? What if he’d have to break up that fight? Would he even be able to wait for the right moment? What if he’d miss it? Would he even have the courage?

He heard a loud bang. He tried not to think about it too deeply. Hoped that it hadn’t been anything he’d been nervous and afraid of. Tried to go silent and _listen_ but in all this anxiousness and fear he didn’t know when he’d started to cry and sob. His shoulders were shaking and so were his hands. Like a wretched sock puppet, he tried to pull himself together but now his knees were shaking, too.

Hopelessly, he tried to wipe away all his tears, but they wouldn’t stop coming. His throat felt so tight that he feared he could never say another word.

Then a loud thud. And silence.

Panicked, he cocked his ears to catch any suspicious noise and tried to ignore these loud teardrops for a moment that rolled down his cheeks so shamelessly without his consent. But the house was now silent. He swallowed and almost choked. Then footsteps. He held his breath.

“Hiro?” A tentative knock on the door. “Hiro, it’s okay now. You can come out.”

One part of him couldn’t believe that it was his brother’s voice he heard coming from the other side of the wall. But he could hear him breathe, too. Impatient, nervous.

For a second he feared that he might break apart after all as he carefully stood up to walk to the door. His knees still felt so weak, and his eyes had to have looked red and puffy by then. But when he finally opened the door, his brother didn’t waste a single second before he embraced him in a fierce but loving hug. Pulling him tight. Hiding his nose in his hair. His brother hadn’t been crying like him, like that little pathetic thing that he was, but he could feel the tenseness fall off his shoulders slowly but surely the longer they just stood there.

“Are you okay?”

“I should be the one asking you that!” Hiro’s voice was crooked and came out embarrassingly smothered and choked, but at least he was able to say something. His brother’s eyes were huge when they parted, he almost couldn’t stand looking into them.

“I am okay. Don’t worry. They’re gone.”

For some reason that had to have been code for ‘please start crying again now, that’s your cue’ because that was what he did the moment the last word left his brother’s tongue. He just couldn’t help himself. He didn’t know what to do and whether he was coming or going. When Taka realised what was happening, he rushed to pull him into another tight hug as Hiroki’s shoulders started to quiver and shake again. He really didn’t want to rub his snot all over Taka’s shirt but that was inevitably what was about to happen, and he hated himself a bit for being such a cry-baby in such a serious situation. He shouldn’t fall apart in his brother’s arms like that, he’d already taken the brunt of all this while trying to protect Hiro instead. He should try and back him up, talk with him, find a solution. But he was only crying his eyes out and there did not seem to be a way around it or even a flicker of hope on the horizon. He couldn’t, not for the life of him, calm down. And still, his brother was pressing him firmer and firmer against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Hiro panted, and these words tasted bitter and unpleasantly wet in his mouth. He didn’t even know why he’d had the urge to say them, but something told him that he needed to apologise. And thank him.

“It’s not your fault, Hiro.” A kiss pressed in his hair. Breath warming his numb skin. “I wanted this, too. I was aware of the consequences. I am older, you know? It’s only right for me to take responsibility.”

“But what will they do? What did he say?”

“Don’t worry, they won’t do anything.”

“How can you be so sure about that?” Another sob stuck in his throat. Uncomfortably, he tried to clear it and liked to think that he was now brave enough to look him in the eyes again. There were just a few lonely tears making their way down his cheeks now, and his nose was still runny, but at least he wasn’t losing control of his body anymore.

“See,” and here he brushed through his hair gently, and without him realising, a soft sigh had already escaped his clenched teeth. What kind of strange power his brother held over him. “What are they supposed to do? Run to the media? They couldn’t handle such a big scandal themselves, it’d backfire on them, too.”

“Even so …” and here was when he swallowed this big lump in his throat because he didn’t know what he was talking. He didn’t know what he was doing. He just knew that he had to do _something_. He felt so helpless in all of this and he was so scared that he could endanger his career, too. His public image. He did not care about himself. “I don’t think we should carry on doing that.”

“ _That_?” His eyebrows were scrunched up when he dared to look in his face again. But he knew that he was getting it. Slowly. They were finally at a point now where they had to decide about their future. No more living in limbo. This was serious. “What do you mean by _that_?”

It hurt him like nothing he’d ever felt before, seeing him like this. Fidgety because of him, on edge because of his words. His own heart was trying to kill him again, pumping blood through his veins with so much force that it made him worry it could knock him over just like that. His brother’s eyes were screaming, but he couldn’t budge. He couldn’t walk away from this any longer.

“You know that already. I don’t want you to get hurt–”

“I’ll quit. I don’t care for this life of the rich and famous. I don’t.” His look then was haunting. He was gripping his shoulders. “But I care about you. And I don’t want to lose you.”

Hiroki shook his head. Finally, the tears had stopped coming, too. “I don’t want you to do that. That’s not worth it, think about it.”

Or was it worth it? Hiroki still couldn’t decide. He knew that he loved him, and he knew that he loved being loved by him. But it had been something doomed to fail from the very start. He didn’t even know what they’d been thinking. That they could live this double life for all eternity? Ridiculous. It had been bound to come out at some point. They just hadn’t thought that it could be around the corner already. In this moment, he didn’t really know _what_ they’d been thinking.

“Hiro, I–” He was pressing him closer to his chest again now so that he couldn’t see what was going on in his face anymore. But it didn’t seem like he wanted to finish his broken sentence. He knew that he’d just said the truth.

“I’m going to move out. I’ve decided. It’s no use.” And he felt how his eyes grew hot again; in a few seconds, his vision would go blurry. His brother took a sharp breath but wouldn’t think about exhaling all that air again. “But look – we can still see each other. I won’t be lost.”

Now it was his brother’s eyes that filled with tears and it took Hiroki by surprise so bad that he momentarily forgot what he was going for altogether. Taka, in the meantime, tried to wipe away the reminder of his hurt with his sleeves but he looked so heart-wrenchingly lost and devastated somehow that Hiro wasn’t sure if he could really go through with it all.

When had this happened? When had they grown so close without him noticing at all? Was there no going back?

“I’m so sorry, Hiroki,” he then broke down finally, and with his forehead pressed against his’, like the very first time they’d kissed, they were a sight for sore eyes. “I didn’t want it to end like this.”

Tears were by then streaming down his beautiful face but for some reason Hiro’s eyes didn’t even twitch. He was still devastated and oh-so hurt. It hurt so much to see his brother like this, he’d never seen him cry before, either. Not even a single teardrop. Their father had to have struck him across the face and still he hadn’t flinched. His hands were on his cheeks and neck and were pressing all this love into his skin and now he didn’t know where to put it all.

Life was so unfair.

“I love you, okay? And I’m gonna help you and I’ll be there for you. I want you to know that. I’ll be there.”

Some small, foul part of him then hoped that they wouldn’t really stop seeing each other. That, yes, he’d move out – but they could still be a thing. They could still kiss and hold each other and whisper sweet nothing into each other’s ears. That ‘moving out’ was only a crooked farce at first to stop the bleeding, but tomorrow they’d slash their wrists open again willingly all by themselves. Moving out didn’t mean that they would stop loving each other the minute Hiroki stepped through this door. That was ridiculous in itself. It would take so much self-control and time to sort this one out. He wasn’t sure if he could muster up the strength, but he also wasn’t sure if he’d even be willing to do it. If he was strong enough. It didn’t mean that he’d have to lose his brother – but he’d also, in such a short amount of time, won a lover that he didn’t think he could make it without any longer. But when he looked right into it, deeply, he knew that they’d have to take that step. Eventually. They couldn’t live a lie forever.

He breathed out all these thoughts and worries against his brother’s chapped lips and his brother took all of it in willingly without a second thought. His hands were quivering on his shoulders, and now he felt how the tip of his nose began to tickle once again.

He’d always thought that, in some parallel universe, they could still be together. Somehow. That they were still happily living together as normal brothers even, in some fucked up world. Without loving that one person so deeply that you shouldn’t love at all. He liked to think that it was all still okay in some far away future, some far away place. Because that was the only thing that kept him going, and to withstand all this.

He loved him. He loved him so much. And there was no one he’d ever love this way ever again, he was so sure about that. His panicked looks still haunted him to this day, but at least it hadn’t come out. He was sure that he’d been glad about that in the long run.

But he could honestly just guess – they hadn’t talked in years.


End file.
